9iron/src/common-subtitle.php

<?php
	$subtitles = array(
		// Press F to pay respects
		"For those afflicted",
		// F
		"We don't fuck dragons",
		// F
		"Synapse a shit, use XMPP",
		// F
		"cowfee",
		"gween tea",
		"You shot it into the fucking sand",
		"Your ball's in the lake",
		"It's in the fucking trees, Mike",
		"I don't even play golf",
		"7-Wood was too obscure",
		"We don't go to 8iron",
		"Hits like a gravity hammer",
		"Try it on mobile",
		"Please don't try it on mobile",
		// The joke is I'm not on Facebook and never have
		// har har
		"Find me on Facebook",
		"I wanna be the guy",
		"I <3 cockmail",
		"Five is right out",
		"Lorem ipsum suck my dick",
		"foo",
		"Test subtitle please ignore",
		"Hit me up on fedi",
		"suya..",
		"Pour one out for welovela.in",
		"We all love Lain",
		"玲音",
		"レイン",
		"ＬＡＩＮ",
		"I'll play Risk of Rain 2 any day",
		"Feelin' pretty fresh workin' nights",
		"Leopard geckos are cute",
		"Finally, a good fucking subtitle",
		"Will shitpost for attention",
		"Will shitpost for literally nothing",
		"Will write HTML for attention",
		"Maybe one day",
		"Test bed for chaos",
		"Botania best mod. Fight me.",
		"KingLemming is awesome",
		"asie knows what he's talking about",
		"Redigit is an amazing studio",
		"Great Barrier Reef",
		"This match is just about over",
		"Better change tactics",
		"honk.wmv",
		"bomk",
		"guys literally only want one thing",
		"Dame da ne~!",
		"You can't look up with your tongue out",
		"ばかみたい",
		"Smug animu",
		"wan",
		"Touch fluffy tail",
		"Hard to find",
		"Tiny Little Adiantum",
		"Night of Nights",
		"Marisa stole the precious thing",
		"Clown best tofu",
		"It's gonna be alright",
		"P.E.T.R.O.L. is a great song",
		"Rest in RIP, WipEout",
		"Get out of my face",
		"You are smart",
		"You aren't smart",
		"Firefox takes 8MB to render this page",
		"I think this site was worth the effort",
		"This site was not worth the effort",
		"At some point I'm gonna redo the CSS here",
		"I've already redone the CSS like 5 times",
		"Discord's pinning a core right now",
		"Slack's pinning a core right now",
		"gcc's pinning all of my cores right now",
		"Steam's choking my link right now",
		"Larry Ellison needs a new goddamn boat",
		"Like tears in rain",
		"Like a lizard",
		"Shave and a haircut",
		"Lain in a bear suit",
		"Let's get this out onto a tray. Nice. Mmkay.",
		"This space intentionally left blank",
		"Banned in Australia",
		"Banned in Australia(?)",
		"I want a PSP again",
		"Anybody remember Dark Alex?",
		"5.00-M33",
		"0xDEADBEEF",
		"0xBEEFBEEF",
		"0xBEEEEEEF",
		"0xBEF",
		"My Switch runs Linux",
		"StackOverflow is the best",
		"StackOverflow is the worst",
		"Don't go overboard",
		"God I hate reddit",
		"Bert",
		"ディスコード", // Discordo, case you were wondering
		"disukodo",
		"\"it says discordo\"",
		"\"Nice.\"",
		// - Me, all the fucking time
		"\"Is that THE Simon Belmont Castlevania?\"",
		// - Me, irritating Sam
		"\"My heart runs Linux\"",
		// - Me, context forgotten
		"\"Brett has Mrs. Chapman nipples\"",
		// - Me
		"\"28 - 6 >= Fuck You\"",
		// - Me
		"\"I fuck dirt\"",
		// - Me
		"\"I suck a lot of dick, get over here\"",
		// - Brett
		"\"This was worth sucking dick\"",
		// - Brett
		"laddr",
		// - Brett
		"\"100% of people that get killed die\"",
		// - Brett
		"\"I don't like prison\"",
		// - Brett
		"\"Be grody on my back. Wait-\"",
		// - Brett
		"\"Let's get this cock onto a tray!\"",
		// - Brett
		"\"This is Hell, they are all prostitutes.\"",
		// - Jordyn
		"\"Isn't an asshole like a brass instrument?\"",
		// - Jordyn
		"\"Sir, this is an M32 grenade launcher\"",
		// - Jacob https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJRkFLFnv3c
		"\"OHNO!\"",
		// - Jacob
		"\"Much edge\"",
		// - Jacob
		"\"Oh it's a bear\"",
		// - Lea, moments before being mauled by a grizzly bear
		"\"I'm in danger!\"",
		// - At least four of us, constantly shittalking
		"\"He got cancer and became a Nazi\"",
		// - Carson
		"\"I died twice, but I only died once\"",
		// - Carson
		"\"Sir, this is a 7-11\"",
		// - Carson
		"\"Jumanji\"",
		// - Carson?
		"\"Who's Adobe?\"",
		// - Carson
		"\"Weird hour-having fucks\"",
		// - Carson
		"\"Leonidas is a disease\"",
		// - Syd
		"\"Calories don't have vegetables\"",
		// - Syd
		"\"Cancer is basically a kid\"",
		// - Syd
		"\"I'm gonna fart. I'm gonna-\"",
		// - Tex of BPL, just before he farts medical into the next universe
		"\"Double-bitched out of love~\"",
		// - vampqu33n
		"\"Fixing PHP is like coming home\"",
		// - JE
		"\"Now the Nazi party thinks I'm their little pogchamp\"",
		// - Jacob, after I said he's my little pogchamp
		"\"They're children you thirsty whores\"",
		// - Sam
		"\"Pichu is illegal\"",
		// - Sam
		"\"DEDEDE FUCKS\"",
		// - Sam
		"\"Imagine 'Blades of Glory' but they fuck\"",
		// - Also Sam
		"\"There's no D in BDSM\"",
		// - Rachael
		"\"Beans fuck\"",
		// - Preston
		"God dammit, Sam",
		"God dammit, Jacob",
		"God dammit",
		"Cancer sucks. 0/10",
		"Depression's alright. 3/10",
		"[cat scratching at door]",
		"[dog barks in the distance]",
		"[duvet plays in the distance]",
		"[vocaloid plays in the distance]",
		"[forge crashes in the distance]",
		"[ansible noises]",
		"[powerline noises]",
		"[cyberpunk jazz noises]",
		"[satire intensifies]",
		"[maniacal laughter]",
		"[laughter, then disappointment]",
		"I'm a professional, trust me",
		"Nobody's a professional",
		"PM_ME_ANSIBLE_ROLES",
		"PM_ME_SUBTITLE_IDEAS",
		"PM_ME_BOTANIA_SETUPS",
		"PM_ME_IM_LONELY",
		"Not to be confused with plan 9",
		"Not to be confused with 9front",
		"The front fell off",
		"4th edition",
		"5th edition with author's notes",
		"Mr. Worldwide edition",
		"Nobody reads this edition",
		"Random subtitles edition",
		"Shenanigans edition",
		"Using PHP for shitty jokes edition",
		"No backing database edition",
		"Motherfucking website edition",
		"Licensed under MIT edition",
		"Absolutely no scripts edition",
		"Now SFW edition",
		"NSFW edition?",
		"NSFW edition"
	);
	$message = $subtitles[array_rand($subtitles, 1)];
	echo "$message";
?>