diff --git a/Rules.txt b/Rules.txt
index 92c62e1..7067a30 100755
--- a/Rules.txt
+++ b/Rules.txt
@@ -5,14 +5,9 @@
 		"RULE_HEADER_DIFFICULTY_WITH_COLON": "Difficulty:",
 		"RULE_HEADER_ARTIFACTS": "Artifacts",
 		"RULE_HEADER_ARTIFACTS_WITH_COLON": "Artifacts:",
-		"RULE_HEADER_ARTIFACTS_SUBTITLE" : "<style=cArtifact>Artifacts</style> are game modifiers that can dramatically change the way the game is played. <style=cArtifact>Artifacts</style> can be found in the world in a <style=cArtifact>secret location</style>.\n\n<i>Challenges can still be unlocked while Artifacts are enabled.<i>",
-		"RULE_ARTIFACTS_EMPTY_TIP": "You have no available Artifacts.",
-		"RULE_HEADER_ARTIFACTS_EDIT" : "Enable and disable Artifacts.",
-		
-		"RULE_HEADER_ITEMS": "Items",
-		"RULE_HEADER_EQUIPMENT": "Equipment",
-		"RULE_HEADER_ITEMSANDEQUIPMENT_SUBTITLE" : "Toggle off and on items that can appear in the world.",
-		"RULE_HEADER_ITEMSANDEQUIPMENT_EDIT" : "Enable and disable items and equipment.",
+		"RULE_HEADER_ARTIFACTS_SUBTITLE" : "<style=cArtifact>Artifacts</style> are all SpongeBob quotes. You can get them somewhere, but I'm not telling you.\n\n<i>\"-and then stomp on your children! And then stomp on your children's children!\"</i>",
+		"RULE_ARTIFACTS_EMPTY_TIP": "lol broke ass bitch go get artifacts",
+		"RULE_HEADER_ARTIFACTS_EDIT" : "Toggle Artifacts",
 
 		"RULE_HEADER_MISC": "Modifiers",
 		"RULE_STARTINGMONEY_CHOICE_0_NAME": "Broke",
@@ -31,11 +26,7 @@
 		"RULE_KEEPMONEYBETWEENSTAGES_CHOICE_ON_DESC": "Money is kept between stages",
 		"RULE_KEEPMONEYBETWEENSTAGES_CHOICE_OFF_DESC": "Money is converted to experience upon stage completion",
 
-		"RULE_ITEM_ON_DESCRIPTION" : "Enables this item to appear in the world.",
-		"RULE_ITEM_OFF_DESCRIPTION" : "Disables this item from appearing in the world.",
-		"RULE_OFF_FORMAT" : "{0} (Disabled)",
-
 		"RULE_DESCRIPTION_FORMAT" : "<mark=#{2}><b>[ {0} ]</b>\n\n</mark><style=cSub>{1}</style>",
 		"RULE_EDIT_FORMAT" : "<mark=#{2}><b>[ Edit {0} ]</b>\n\n</mark><style=cSub>{1}</style>",
 	}
-}
\ No newline at end of file
+}
diff --git a/Stats.txt b/Stats.txt
index 278b760..338d835 100755
--- a/Stats.txt
+++ b/Stats.txt
@@ -5,30 +5,30 @@
 		"STAT_NAME_VALUE_TIME_FORMAT": "{0}: <color=#FFFF7F>{1}</color>",
 		"STAT_VALUE_MARATHONS_FORMAT": "{0:0.00} marathons",
 		"STAT_POINTS_FORMAT": "<color=#FFFF7F>{0}</color> pts.",
-		"STAT_CLASS_NAME_FORMAT": "Class: <color=#FFFF7F>{0}</color>",
-		"STAT_KILLER_NAME_FORMAT": "Killed By: <color=#FFFF7F>{0}</color>",
-		"STAT_TITLE" : "Stats",
+		"STAT_CLASS_NAME_FORMAT": "You: <color=#FFFF7F>{0}</color>",
+		"STAT_KILLER_NAME_FORMAT": "Your new nemesis: <color=#FFFF7F>{0}</color>",
+		"STAT_TITLE" : "The Numbers, Jason",
 		"STAT_TOTAL" : "Total",
-		"STAT_CONTINUE" : "Continue",
+		"STAT_CONTINUE" : "Fuck",
 		"STAT_INFO" : "Info",
 
-		"STATNAME_TOTALTIMEALIVE": "Time Alive",
-		"STATNAME_TOTALKILLS": "Kills",
-		"STATNAME_TOTALDEATHS": "Deaths",
-		"STATNAME_TOTALDAMAGEDEALT": "Damage Dealt",
-		"STATNAME_TOTALMINIONDAMAGEDEALT": "Minion Damage Dealt",
-		"STATNAME_TOTALDAMAGETAKEN": "Damage Taken",
-		"STATNAME_HIGHESTDAMAGEDEALT": "Most Damage Dealt",
-		"STATNAME_HIGHESTLEVEL": "Highest Level",
-		"STATNAME_TOTALGOLDCOLLECTED": "Gold Collected",
-		"STATNAME_MAXGOLDCOLLECTED": "Most Gold Collected",
-		"STATNAME_TOTALDISTANCETRAVELED": "Distance Traveled",
-		"STATNAME_TOTALITEMSCOLLECTED": "Items Collected",
-		"STATNAME_HIGHESTITEMSCOLLECTED": "Most Items Collected",
-		"STATNAME_TOTALSTAGESCOMPLETED": "Stages Completed",
-		"STATNAME_HIGHESTSTAGESCOMPLETED": "Most Stages Completed",
-		"STATNAME_TOTALPURCHASES": "Purchases",
-		"STATNAME_HIGHESTPURCHASES": "Most Purchases",
-		"STATNAME_TOTALMINIONKILLS": "Minion Kills",
+		"STATNAME_TOTALTIMEALIVE": "Time not dead",
+		"STATNAME_TOTALKILLS": "Gamer points",
+		"STATNAME_TOTALDEATHS": "Times you totally didn't eat shit",
+		"STATNAME_TOTALDAMAGEDEALT": "Total hurty",
+		"STATNAME_TOTALMINIONDAMAGEDEALT": "Proxy hurty",
+		"STATNAME_TOTALDAMAGETAKEN": "Tank points",
+		"STATNAME_HIGHESTDAMAGEDEALT": "Biggest yeet",
+		"STATNAME_HIGHESTLEVEL": "Greatest player score",
+		"STATNAME_TOTALGOLDCOLLECTED": "Long-term gains",
+		"STATNAME_MAXGOLDCOLLECTED": "Short-term gains",
+		"STATNAME_TOTALDISTANCETRAVELED": "Distance moved",
+		"STATNAME_TOTALITEMSCOLLECTED": "Capitalists liberated",
+		"STATNAME_HIGHESTITEMSCOLLECTED": "Peak Communism",
+		"STATNAME_TOTALSTAGESCOMPLETED": "Places gone",
+		"STATNAME_HIGHESTSTAGESCOMPLETED": "Most places gone? Isn't that just places gone?",
+		"STATNAME_TOTALPURCHASES": "Buys",
+		"STATNAME_HIGHESTPURCHASES": "Highest buys",
+		"STATNAME_TOTALMINIONKILLS": "Proxy kills",
 	}
-}
\ No newline at end of file
+}